The Elephant in the Room
by Jestress
Summary: Lee and Amanda deal with a crazy inventor who once worked for the Agency as well as find time to see each other outside of work. Their relationship is the like the Elephant in the Room.
1. An Elephant is Hard to Hide

**Disclaimer**: Jestress does not own Scarecrow and Mrs. King or any of its characters. If you recognize the characters, they are part of the original series and belong to someone else. Jestress just borrows them from time to time for her amusement (not for profit, sadly). If you recognize the name Fenton Phlantz, you know that Jestress doesn't own that, either. Although, she did some elaboration on Phlantz's personality (also for her own amusement).

The rhymes at the beginning of each chapter are from the poem An Elephant is Hard to Hide by Jack Prelutsky (found in the collection Something Big Has Been Here). See the end of the story for the explanation of Fenton Phlantz (I can't tell you yet because that would spoil it ;) ).

**Explanation**: This story takes place early in season 4, when Lee and Amanda are dating but before Lee proposes. Lee and Amanda's relationship is difficult because they can't explain the truth of it to other people, but yet people around them kind of sense it. In a way, it's the metaphorical Elephant in the Room:

Elephant in the Room – "an English metaphorical idiom for an obvious truth that is either being ignored or going unaddressed." – Wikipedia

That's basically the explanation behind the story. That, and maybe Jestress had too much sugar over the holidays. You decide.

**The Elephant in the Room**

**By Jestress**

**Chapter 1: An Elephant is Hard to Hide**

An elephant is hard to hide,  
it's rather tall, it's fairly wide,  
it occupies a lot of space,  
you can't just put it anyplace.  
\- Jack Prelutsky

It was a nice autumn day, Amanda thought as she stood at her kitchen sink, enjoying the cool breeze from the open window. The leaves had just barely started to change color on the trees, there were still flowers were blooming in her mother's garden, the birds were singing, and the leaves on the bush beneath the window were rustling . . . wait a minute.

Amanda took a quick glance behind her to make sure that her mother and her two boys hadn't come back from the park yet. They hadn't.

Breathing a sigh of relief, Amanda said, "Lee?"

There was more rustling, and a familiar pair of hazel eyes peered over the window sill.

"Is the coast clear?" Lee asked softly.

"It's clear. Mother and the boys went to the park. You can come inside if you want. The back door's unlocked."

Lee stood up and came around to the back door, letting himself into the kitchen.

"You really shouldn't leave doors unlocked, even in the middle of the day," Lee said, coming to Amanda and putting his arms around her. "Especially not when you're alone here. I don't like the idea of you being vulnerable."

"I'm alright," Amanda said, giving him a little peck on the lips. "You're the only one who comes skulking around here anyway."

The idea of anyone else skulking around Amanda's house was troubling, but he pushed it away for the moment as Amanda kissed him again. They had been seeing each other romantically for months, although no one at the Agency knew about it. Lee didn't want to risk having their partnership broken up because word got around to the higher-ups that they were emotionally involved.

Amanda's family didn't know about their relationship either, and the two of them agreed that was for the best, at least for now. They were barely aware that he existed. All Amanda had told them was that she worked for him as his assistant. Amanda's mother had hinted a few times that she suspected Amanda of being involved with someone at the office, but Amanda would neither confirm nor deny it. How could she when the two of them were keeping an even bigger secret, that instead of working for a documentary film company, they were actually secret agents? Whatever Dotty suspected about her daughter's romantic interests, she had never suspected that her daughter was really a spy.

So, in addition to their secret lives in espionage, their romance had become another secret, just between the two of them.

"So, what brings you skulking around this fine day?" Amanda joked with him. "Is anything happening?"

"Not really," Lee said. "I just wanted to see you."

Amanda gave him another kiss.

"If you're not busy, maybe we could go for a drive somewhere," Lee suggested.

"That sounds nice," Amanda said.

They leaned toward each other for another kiss, but the slam of the front door startled them.

"Amanda! We're back!" Dotty called.

Amanda could hear the boys talking to each other as they took off their jackets. Lee gave Amanda a panicked look.

"Quick! Hide!" Amanda hissed.

Lee started for the back door, but there wasn't time. Amanda shoved him into the dining room. No one in her family would have reason to go in there right now, and it was the only place big enough for Lee to hide. He was just barely out of sight when Dotty entered the kitchen.

"The boys ran into their friend Tommy at the park, and they're planning to go over to his house and play video games for awhile," Dotty said. "They thought they might even stay there for dinner. Is that alright?"

"That's fine," Amanda said. "It's Saturday, and I didn't really have any plans. In fact, I was just thinking that I might go out and do a little shopping. I might end up grabbing a bite to eat while I'm out. Do you mind being on your own for dinner?"

"No," Dotty said. "In fact, I might call Captain Kurt and see if he's free tonight. There's a new movie out that we were thinking of seeing sometime."

"Sounds like fun," Amanda said. "I'll just go talk to the boys and let them know it's okay for them to have dinner with Tommy. I'll be back down in a minute."

That last comment was really meant for Lee, who was still nervously crouching in the dining room, trying to figure out what he could possibly say to explain his presence if Dotty suddenly walked in the room and found him. He listened intently as Dotty moved around the kitchen, humming, getting herself a glass of water. It seemed like an eternity before Amanda came downstairs again.

"Everything's settled with the boys, Mother," Amanda said, getting a glass of water for herself. "I'm going to go shopping now. Remember to lock up before you go out."

"Okay. Have fun," Dotty said absently as she picked up the newspaper and thumbed through it for the movie listings.

"Thanks, Mother!" Amanda said as she grabbed her purse off the kitchen counter.

Lee peeked around the edge of the door into the kitchen, and Amanda quickly motioned him back. Dotty glanced up in time to see Amanda's hand move.

Amanda smiled and gave her mother a little wave. "Bye! I'll see you later!"

"Bye-bye, darling," Dotty said, waving back before looking down at the newspaper again.

Amanda glanced up the stairs to make sure the boys weren't coming down. Then, she went to the front door and opened it, signaling for Lee to follow her. He ducked out of dining room, and she hurriedly ushered him outside before her mother could look up from her paper again.


	2. The Elephant in the Closet

**Chapter 2: The Elephant in the Closet**

It's quite an unrewarding chore  
to try and cram it in a drawer,  
a closet's somewhat better, but  
you're apt to find the door won't shut.  
\- Jack Prelutsky

Lee and Amanda laughed about their skillful avoidance of Amanda's family over coffee at a little café.

"Your covert ops training is really coming in handy," he said. "Maybe we should start writing love letters so you can practice your ciphers."

"Oh, no!" Amanda said. "I have no idea how I'd explain those to Mother if she ever saw them!"

"She wouldn't be able to read them," Lee pointed out.

"If the boys found them, they'd try to figure them out."

"If they succeed, they could have a bright future with the Agency."

Being a spy was dangerous work. Amanda was finding it rewarding, but the idea of her boys going into the spy business was a little unsettling.

Changing the subject, Lee suggested that they take a stroll and look in a few shops. It sounded like fun, and Amanda had told her mother that she was going shopping anyway, so she agreed.

For the rest of the afternoon, the two of them explored some of the local shops and talked about things other than work. Since Amanda was on her own for dinner, they decided to pick up a few groceries and go back to Lee's apartment. He had a pasta recipe that he was planning to use to further impress Amanda with his cooking skills, and the idea of a quiet dinner alone with her was appealing.

When they walked in the door, Amanda set her purse on the coffee table. Then, she took off her sweater and kicked off her shoes, making herself comfortable on Lee's couch. Lee took the groceries into the kitchen and then sat down on the couch next to her.

"You're going to love this dish," he said. "But it doesn't take long to prepare. We still have some time before we have to get started . . ."

He let his voice trail off, and he leaned forward to kiss Amanda . . . and the doorbell rang.

"Hold that thought," Lee said with a sigh. He went to the door and looked out through the peephole.

"Oh, no! It's Billy! Quick, hide!" he said.

Amanda got up and looked around, trying to decide where to go.

"This way!" Lee said.

He grabbed her by the arm and hustled her into the coat closet.

"Lee!" Amanda gasped.

"Stay!" he said, closing the door, but not tightly so that Amanda would still have fresh air.

Then, he saw her purse on the table and her sweater on the couch. He grabbed them both and chucked them behind a chair as the doorbell rang again.

Lee opened the door for his impatient boss.

"Hi, Billy!" Lee said with a pleasant grin. Inwardly, he was hoping that whatever Billy wanted wouldn't take too long so that he could get back to his evening with Amanda.

"Sorry to have to interrupt your weekend, Scarecrow," Billy said as he entered the apartment, "but there's something I need to discuss with you."

"What's happening?" Lee asked, his heart sinking. It looked like something serious was happening, and that meant his evening with Amanda was over.

Billy went to take a seat on the couch and spotted Amanda's shoes on the floor nearby. He took a quick glance around the apartment. There was no sign of life anywhere, but the door to the coat closet was slightly open.

"Tell Amanda that she can come out from where she's hiding," Billy said. "I've got an assignment for the two of you, and she should hear this."

Amanda peeked out of the closet sheepishly.

"Hi, sir!" she said. "I was just, uh . . ." She pointed vaguely back at the closet.

Lee shook his head vigorously at her, and Amanda took the hint not to try to explain further. It was just as well. Billy didn't seem interested in explanations.

"Come over here, and sit down. I want to explain your new assignment."

When Amanda and Lee were both seated on the couch, Billy said, "Fenton Phlantz is back in town, Scarecrow."

"Oh, no!" Lee groaned.

"Who is Fenton Phlantz?" Amanda asked, looking back and forth between the two men.

"He's a mad scientist," Lee said in disgust.

Amanda looked at Billy. "Who is he really?"

"Mad scientist actually isn't that bad a description," Billy said uncomfortably. "Phlantz doesn't really have any official occupation these days. He's a kind of scientist and inventor, and he's been known to undertake all sort of weird projects for whoever will pay him. We're not sure about everything he's done, but last year he was working on a new airplane for the Russians that can take off both normally and in reverse. The year before that, he was working on developing a new variety of fast-growing rice for the Chinese."

"He actually built a plane that will take off backwards?" Amanda asked.

"No," Billy said. "That project was a failure. But, it was astonishing just how close he was getting to succeeding before some of our people sabotaged his work. He did succeed with the rice. We've been trying to keep an eye on him and his work ever since the incident with the armor-piercing water gun several years ago."

"The what?" Amanda asked.

"Phlantz invented a water gun powerful enough to penetrate even a bullet-proof vest."

"Oh my gosh! Who was he working for then?"

"Us. In Research and Development."

"Oh, he's a former Agency scientist?"

"That's right," Billy said. "Lee was there when he demonstrated the water gun."

"Yeah," Lee said, wincing. "It doesn't actually kill people when the water stream penetrates the bullet-proof vest. It just gets their shirts wet. He wanted more money to develop better models. Instead, the Agency laid him off for wasting R&amp;D funds. That, and R&amp;D was starting to consider him a fire hazard."

A concerned look crossed Amanda's features.

"Since then, Phlantz has worked for pretty much everyone by now," Billy continued. "We actually tried to hire him back a couple of years ago, but he wasn't interested. He was still insulted that the Agency wouldn't give him funding for some of his weirder projects."

"So, he's just in it for the money, and he found a better offer?" Amanda asked, trying to understand.

"No," Billy said, rolling his eyes. "He's in it for the challenge, and he thought that the backward-flying airplane sounded more fun than the micro-cameras the Agency wanted him to build. He says Agency projects are boring."

"You see," Lee said, "Phlantz doesn't really care who he works for or how much they pay him as long as the project itself appeals to him. He never takes a job that he thinks sounds boring. He only likes the most bizarre and most challenging projects."

"Rice-growing doesn't sound that exciting," Amanda commented.

"The rice plants grow in a single day," Billy explained.

"Really?" Amanda said. "That is pretty impressive."

"Yeah," Billy said, "but it turned out that they were vulnerable to a particular kind of fungus that destroyed all of the ones he grew. Last we heard, Phlantz was trying to find a way to get rid of the fungus, but now his research has taken a disturbing turn."

"What's he doing now?" Lee asked warily.

"Well, according to our intelligence, the fungus that destroyed Phlantz's rice plants also affects peanut plants," Billy said. "A terrorist organization has hired him to produce a form of the fungus to destroy the entire peanut crop of the United States."

"A terrorist organization wants to make sure that we run out of peanut butter?" Amanda asked. Of all the things they could attack, peanuts just seemed like a strange choice.

"As bizarre as it seems, Amanda," Lee said, "that actually would be a serious problem. Not only are peanuts a basic food source, but the U.S. is one of the world's leading exporters of peanuts. Having the entire crop decimated would be an economic catastrophe."

"So, what are we going to do?" Amanda asked.

"Phlantz hasn't actually handed over the formula for his form of the fungus," Billy said. "We just got word that the exchange is supposed to take place sometime tomorrow afternoon. I want you and Lee to get the formula from Phlantz before he has a chance to give it to the terrorists who hired him."

"Would that be enough to stop him?" Amanda asked. "I mean, couldn't he just produce the formula again if we steal it once?"

"He could, but knowing Phlantz, he probably won't," Billy said. "Phlantz is a scatterbrain. Once he finishes a project, he loses interest in it fast and quickly moves onto the next one. We'll have you and Lee switch his formula for a fake one that our scientists have worked up. By the time his contacts receive it and realize that it's fake, Phlantz will be long gone, and he'll have forgotten all about the fungus."

"So, what the plan?" Lee asked.

"Phlantz is staying at the Harcourt Suites on 9th Street in Alexandria," Billy said. "I'm having Fabrications make up a couple of phony IDs for you, and I'll want to see you both in my office first thing tomorrow to discuss your Scenario before you go to the hotel."

"Alright," Lee said with a sigh.

"Sir," Amanda said, "if Phlantz has seen Lee before, won't he recognize him when we show up at the hotel?"

"No," Billy said. "He was part of a large group of observers at the water gun demonstration. It was the only time the two of them ever met, and they didn't really speak to each other. The reason I wanted him for this assignment is because he has seen Phlantz before and can recognize him, but Phlantz would be unlucky to remember him."

"Anybody could recognize Phlantz," Lee said sourly. "Just look for the walking bush."

Amanda gave him a strange look.

"Phlantz has a big, ugly beard," Lee said. "He's proud of it, too."

"Oh," Amanda said.

"And he apparently still has it," Billy said. "That should make your assignment easier."

"Lucky me," Lee said.

He was not looking forward to this assignment. He'd talked to other agents who had been assigned to keep an eye on Fenton Phlantz. Assignments that included Phlantz always turned out really weird. That crazy coot in his ridiculous beard could and would do anything as long as he thought it sounded like fun. For no other reason than he thought it was fun. The man was just completely insane.

"I'll see you in the morning, then," Billy said. "I'll let you get back to . . . what you were doing." He smiled cheerfully at them and left the apartment.

After Billy left, Lee and Amanda looked at each other.

"I guess that must have looked really weird to him, me hiding in the closet," Amanda said.

"He didn't say anything," Lee said. "If he was concerned, he would have said something. And as long as he isn't going to say anything, there's no need for us to stay anything."

"Right," Amanda said, although she sounded a little doubtful.

"Come on," Lee said coaxingly. "Just relax. Everything's fine."

Lee took Amanda in his arms and gave her a kiss, grateful that Billy had allowed them to continue their evening together. Amanda smiled and started to relax again.

"Let's get dinner started," Lee suggested. "I've got a recipe you're going to love . . ."


	3. The Elephant in the Bathroom

**Chapter 3: The Elephant in the Bathroom**

An elephant beneath your bed  
will manifest both tail and head,  
and in the tub, there's little doubt  
that it will soon be singled out.  
\- Jack Prelutsky

By ten o'clock the next morning, Lee and Amanda were in the hobby of Phlantz's hotel.

"Do you really think that Phlantz is going to go for this?" Amanda asked dubiously.

"Well, it seems like it would appeal to his character and interests," Lee said. "At least, it will give us the opportunity to talk to him."

"What's his room number again?" Amanda asked.

"He has a suite on the fourth floor, Suite 410."

As they made their way to Phlantz's room, Lee reflected on what had happened before their meeting with Billy. Billy still hadn't said anything to him about why Amanda had been at his apartment yesterday evening or why she'd been hiding in the closet when he'd come in. Very likely, he wasn't going to say anything, but Lee had made the mistake of bringing Amanda's sweater with him to the office and handing it to her in front of Francine.

When Amanda had left his apartment the night before, she'd left her sweater behind by mistake. Handing it to Amanda in front of Francine had been an accident. When he arrived at the Agency, he took the sweater up to the Q-Bureau, thinking that he would leave it there for Amanda to retrieve later. As it happened, Amanda was already there, putting away her things and helping herself to a cup of coffee before going downstairs for their meeting with Billy.

"Morning, Amanda!" Lee greeted her.

"Morning!" she said back. "Mother was wondering what I was doing, going into work on a Sunday, but I told her that there was something I had to take care of that just couldn't wait. She says that you should give me a raise."

"How about a kiss instead?" Lee asked.

"That'll work for me," Amanda said.

When they broke the kiss, Amanda said, "Want some coffee?"

"Sure!"

"Oh, is that my sweater?"

"Yep. You left this at my place last night."

"Thanks, Lee," Amanda said, taking the sweater back.

Then, they heard the sound of someone clearing her throat. They turned and saw Francine in the doorway, raising her eyebrows at them.

"Morning, Francine!" Amanda said cheerfully. "Want some coffee?"

"Good morning," Francine said, still giving them speculative glances. "No, thanks. Billy's waiting for you two in his office."

Then, she walked away without saying another word.

Lee kept telling himself that Francine probably had arrived too late to seem him actually kiss Amanda. The most she could have heard was that Amanda was at his apartment the night before, and Billy already knew that. Having dinner with his partner was a perfectly natural, innocent thing to do, whatever else Francine might have been thinking. If Francine kept her thoughts about the sweater to herself, there was no problem. But, he had to admit that plenty of other people were talking about him and Amanda. It was partly his own fault, he knew.

Not long after Amanda first came to work for the Agency, he had made it clear to his male colleagues that Amanda was off-limits. Although he admitted now that he'd had some feelings of jealousy when men paid too much attention to Amanda, he had also had her best interests at heart. After spending a fair number of his off hours at Monk's and Nedlindger's with some of his colleagues, he knew how they were with women. Letting them play up to Amanda would have been like giving Little Red Riding Hood detailed instructions on how to find the wolf's den.

Naturally, his protectiveness of Amanda had led his colleagues to develop some definite conclusions about the nature of his relationship with his strange new partner. He'd publicly denied it, of course, but no one really believed him. Now that his relationship with Amanda had taken the turn that everyone already believed that it had, he was even more sensitive about what people said about them. The best he could do would be to act casual, as if nothing had changed, and hope that no one would inquire more deeply into his relationship with his partner than they already had.

When they reached Suite 410, Amanda knocked on the door. There was no answer, so she knocked again.

"I don't think he's there," Lee said.

"He could be asleep or in the shower or something," Amanda suggested.

"I don't think so," Lee said. "If that was the case, he'd have the Do Not Disturb sign on his door, and he doesn't. Why don't we let ourselves in and have a look around?"

"Okay," Amanda said. She kept a lookout while Lee went to work with his trusty lock pick.

Lee hoped that by searching Phlantz's room, they would be able to find his formula and make the switch before Phlantz returned. That way, they wouldn't have to talk to Phlantz at all. The Scenario that Billy had cooked up for them was pretty weird and just plain goofy, which suited Phlantz's character well enough, but truth be told, Lee was hoping that he wouldn't have to use it.

Sure enough, when Lee got the door open, Phlantz wasn't there. The door to the bedroom was open. There was a briefcase on the table in the kitchenette and a strange jumble of wires on the coffee table in the sitting room. The floor around the coffee table was littered with balled-up pieces of paper with notes scribbled on them.

"Looks like he might be working on another project," Amanda observed.

"Yeah, Lee said. "Why don't you look in the bedroom? I'll have a look out here."

"Okay," Amanda said, giving the device on the coffee table another curious glance before she left the room.

The device was the reason Lee didn't want Amanda poking around the sitting room. Phlantz built pretty weird things. It looked fairly harmless, sitting there on the coffee table, but he didn't want to leave Amanda with it if it might be dangerous. Who knew what that device might do?

Lee stood over the coffee table and studied the tangle of wires. It didn't really look like it would do much of anything. There was an electrical plug, but there was no power source connected to it. Some of the bits of metal attached to the wire looked like they might be unbent paper clips.

Lee shook his head. Who knew how Phlantz's mind worked?

Satisfied that the device wasn't going to do anything, Lee turned his attention to the briefcase instead. He shuffled through the papers inside, but there was nothing that looked like the formula he was searching for. Billy had told him that it was on microfilm, contained in a small cylinder, although Lee was supposed to confiscate any paper versions of the formula he could find.

Suddenly, Lee could hear the scrape of a key at the door to the suite. Quickly, Lee slammed the briefcase shut and ducked under the table. There was no time to warn Amanda. Phlantz was already entering the room.

From his position under the table, Lee could see Phlantz clearly. He looked almost exactly like Lee remembered him. Phlantz was neatly dressed in a dark suit with an unfortunate purple and yellow striped tie. The hair on his head was neatly combed, and his beard was thick and bushy. Lee would have known that beard anywhere. Phlantz was always proud of showing off his whiskers. Lee still thought that it made Phlantz look like a walking shrub.

Fortunately, Phlantz didn't even glance in Lee's direction. Instead, Phlantz dropped his coat on a chair and went over to look at the tangle of wires on the coffee table. He stood over it and shook his head. Then, he went into the bedroom. Lee braced himself, but he didn't hear anything except for Phlantz kind of humming a tune.

Lee started to get up, but Phlantz suddenly dashed back out of the bedroom and toward the coffee table. At first, Lee thought that Phlantz might have spotted Amanda, but it looked like he'd actually been seized with a stroke of inspiration. While Lee watched, Phlantz snatched up a pad of paper and started scribbling furiously. Phlantz stared at what he'd drawn. Then, he balled it up and threw it on the floor with the other pieces of paper. He turned around and went back into the bedroom.

Lee scrambled out from under the table and ducked out of the room into the hallway. He paused only long enough catch his breath before he went back and knocked on the door to Phlantz's suite. Amanda was still in there somewhere, and he had to rescue her. It was time to use their Scenario.

SMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMKSMK

Like Lee, Amanda had heard Phlantz entering the suite. She was poking around in his suitcase when she heard the door open. She shoved Phlantz's clothes back into the suitcase and shut it.

From the bedroom, she heard Phlantz moving around in the sitting room. He hadn't said anything, so she knew that he hadn't seen Lee. With no way to leave the suite, she decided to hide under the bed until she could figure out where Lee was and how to get out of the suite without Phlantz seeing her. Amanda had just barely scooted under the bed before Phlantz walked into the bedroom, humming.

With her face half pressed into the carpet, Amanda watched him walk around the room. Since she could only see his feet, she wasn't completely sure what he was doing. She held her breath when he took off his shoes and slid them under the bed, but he didn't look under the bed to see her. Then, he suddenly turned and ran out of the room.

Amanda, already feeling cramped and worried about whether he'd see her when he came back for his shoes, scooted out from under the bed. She carefully crept toward the bedroom door and looked out into the sitting rom. Phlantz was staring at some paper in his hand. There was no way for her to get past him to leave the suite, and at any moment, he could come back into the bedroom.

Since they were on the fourth floor, leaving by the window wasn't an option. Amanda took the only other avenue open to her and darted into the bathroom. As hotel bathrooms went, it was fairly good-sized, but there was no way out of it other than the way she came in. In desperation, Amanda climbed into the bathtub and pulled the shower curtain closed. It was much bigger than her last hiding place, but kind of damp.

"He must have had a shower this morning," Amanda thought, noting the droplets on the wall. "At least, he probably won't want to take another now."

She certainly hoped he wouldn't.

Phlantz was still humming when he came into the bathroom. Amanda carefully peeked out around the shower curtain. Phlantz was staring at himself in the mirror, carefully combing his hair. Since it was one of the least embarrassing things Phlantz could be doing in the bathroom, Amanda continued watching him.

Even though his hair was already pretty neat, Phlantz got his comb wet under the faucet and then used it to slick his hair down. Then, he removed his bushy beard and set it on the counter. Amanda gaped. She knew about bald men wearing wigs, but false beards were usually just for disguise. Lee had told her that Phlantz liked to sport a large, messy bird's nest of a beard (Lee's description). Was it possible that his beard was always a fake? Or was this really Phlantz?

Phlantz continued looking at himself in the mirror, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. Then, he stuck the beard back on, carefully adjusting it on his face until it was straight.

"How is he doing that?" Amanda wondered. Phlantz hadn't used any kind of gum or glue on his face, and the beard didn't seem to have any kind of hooks.

Then, Amanda saw something else that made her eyes widen. There was something in Phlantz's beard. She only saw it for a moment, and then there was a knock at the door that sent Phlantz hurrying out of the bathroom. But, Amanda was pretty sure that she knew what it was.


	4. The Elephant on the Move

**Chapter 4: The Elephant on the Move**

An elephant won't simply sit,  
it tends to move about a bit,  
this trait, when coupled with its size  
makes it a nightmare to disguise.  
\- Jack Prelutsky

Lee knocked hard on the door to Phlantz's suite. It was only a matter of seconds before Phlantz opened it, but it seemed too long for Lee. He was worried about where Amanda was and whether or not Phlantz had found her.

"Yes?" Phlantz asked, looking Lee up and down.

Lee had the feeling that Phlantz had been expecting someone else. It wasn't even noon yet, but maybe the time for Phlantz to hand over the formula had been moved up. His contacts were probably due to show up soon. Lee knew had to find Amanda and get her out of that suite fast.

"Good morning, sir," Lee said. "Are you Fenton Phlantz?"

"Yes," Phlantz said warily.

"I'm pleased to meet you! I'm Larry Stevenson from the Promethian Institute for Creative Research."

Phlantz shook his hand but said, "I've never heard of the Promethian Institute before."

"We're relatively new," Lee explained. "We are a scientific organization dedicated to promoting unusual research and creative projects. According to our information, a few years ago, you were working on developing magnetic rubber bands?"

"Oh, yes," Phlantz said. "But I haven't done anything with those for years. They work well enough for shooting at the refrigerator, but they keep getting stuck on the paperclips and thumb tacks in my desk."

Lee had no idea why Phlantz was shooting rubber bands at his refrigerator, but he didn't really care, either.

"Well, it sounds like a fascinating project to us, and we'd like to hear more about it as well as your other, more recent projects. It's possible that you might be eligible for a grant from our institute."

"Really?" Phlatntz was interested now. "Please, come in! I'm expecting some friends soon, but I'd love to talk to you!"

Lee was concerned about the "friends" Phlantz was expecting. He and Amanda didn't have much time.

Not noticing Lee's unease, Phlantz continued talking.

"I could make you a cup of coffee, if you like. It's a pleasure to talk to someone who appreciates originality and creativity. The trouble with most scientific organizations is that they become too concerned with maintaining the 'dignity' of science. I don't mean that dignity is a bad thing entirely." Phlantz carefully patted his hair and his beard as he spoke, smoothing down hairs on his head that didn't need smoothing and not making any difference at all to his beard. "It's just that some people allow it to interfere too much with the creativity and inquisitiveness that is the very essence of scientific discovery . . ."

Lee let Phlantz yammer. He kept his movements casual as he looked around the suite. It was difficult not to show his relief when he spotted Amanda peering around the edge of the bedroom door, afraid to move in case Phlantz might see her. Lee didn't look at Amanda too long. He didn't want to give her presence away to Phlantz.

Instead, he looked over at the collection of wires on the coffee table and said, "Is that one of your latest projects?"

"Oh, yes!" Phlantz said excitedly. "Let me show you!"

As he bend down to pick up the tangled mess, Lee motioned to Amanda. Amanda darted toward the door.

"These are my singing Christmas tree lights," Phlantz explained. "Let me plug them in for you."

Amanda had to dive behind a chair as Phlantz turned to find an outlet.

"Wait!" Lee said, stopping Phlantz. "What do you mean 'lights'? There are no bulbs on the string."

Nothing about the jumble of wires and metal bits said 'Christmas' to Lee.

"It doesn't require bulbs," Phlantz said, turning back toward Lee. "That's the beauty of it."

Amanda peered out from behind the chair and started moving toward the door again.

"You see," Phlantz continued, "the electricity running through the wires causes the metal pieces to vibrate and glow. The vibrations produce musical tones. The effect of the gentle glow and soft tones is actually quite soothing, but there are some problems that I still have to work out."

"Like what?" Lee asked.

Amanda was just about to open the door.

Phlantz sighed. "When the metal parts heat up, they are in danger of setting the tree on fire."

Amanda paused, a horrified look on her face.

"And, of course, they should not come into contact with human skin," Phlantz added.

"I think maybe it would be better if you didn't demonstrate it right now," Lee said, shooting a warning look at Amanda.

Amanda recovered herself and carefully eased the door open, slipping out into the hall. Lee started to relax.

"I know what you're thinking. Bulbs would be much safer, but it's impossible to produce the same vibrations with bulbs! I tried to turn the lights into bulbs by putting glass globes around them," Phlantz said, "but the vibrations broke them. It was really rather spectacular, all that shattering glass, and the sounds it made . . . but that made the lights useable only once, and it just didn't have the proper Christmas feel. Plus, it took me all afternoon to clean up the mess."

Lee just stared at Phlantz.

"Anyway," Phlantz said, "it isn't something that you'd want to have happen in your living room. At least, not most people. I'd say that if you were going to try it, it should be in a room with a tile floor for easier clean-up. The glass bits in carpet—"

There was a knock on the door.

"That might be my associate," Lee said. "I'm expecting her to meet me here."

Maybe now they could finish their mission before Phlantz's "friends" showed up. If only they knew where Phlantz kept the formula!

"I'll find out," Phlantz said, setting down his dangerous musical Christmas tree lights.

When Phlantz opened the door, Amanda was there, but she wasn't alone. Two tall, muscular men stood on either side of her, holding her arms. A third man, almost as tall as the other two but much thinner, stepped into the room without even waiting for an invitation.

"Bring her inside, quickly!" the thin man said to the other men.

"What's going on?" Phlantz asked.

The thin man said, "We had just arrived when we found her listening at your door. I think we just caught a spy."


	5. The Elephant and the Peanuts

**Chapter 5: The Elephant and the Peanuts**

An elephant, if kept around  
is almost certain to be found,  
your parents may suspect one's near  
when peanuts start to disappear.  
\- Jack Prelutsky

"That's my associate!" Lee spoke up quickly. "Let her go!"

"Who are you?" the thin man demanded. His tones were cultured and bore a slight trace of an accent, but it was difficult to tell where he was from. Even Billy's sources hadn't been sure.

Fortunately, Phlantz spoke up. "This is Larry Stevenson from the Promethian Institute for Creative Research. He was expecting his associate to arrive. Now, please let her go. She is a guest."

The men holding Amanda looked at the thin man. He nodded to them, and they released Amanda. Rubbing her arms where the men had held her, Amanda hurried over to stand by Lee.

"Are you okay?" he asked her.

She smiled slightly and nodded.

"Our apologies," the thin man said. He attempted a charming smile that just gave Lee the creeps. "We were merely concerned for our friend's welfare. What is your name, miss?"

"Amy Keene," Amanda said, giving her Promethian Institute name.

"Well, I am sincerely sorry about the misunderstanding, Miss Keene. My name is Timur." The thin man didn't offer any last name or bother to introduce his two goons. "May I ask what your business is with our friend?"

"Our institute is considering offering him a grant," Lee said.

"A grant for what?" Timur asked.

"For his most original ideas," Lee said with as much seriousness as he could muster. "Possibly for his work in the field of magnetic rubber bands."

Phlantz nodded enthusiastically. "And they're even interested in my musical Christmas lights!"

If that confused Timur or his goons at all, they didn't show it. Lee suspected that they'd met Phlantz in person before.

"I see," Timur said. "That is very nice. But, I was hoping to speak to you alone, Fenton. We have some business of our own to discuss."

"Yes, of course!" Phlantz said. "I have finished the project you asked me to complete."

"Excellent!" Timur said. "If you could just let us have it, we'll be on our way, then."

"You have the payment for it?" Phlantz asked.

It was the most sensible thing Lee had heard him say yet.

"In this envelope," Timur said.

He removed a manila envelop from inside his jacket. Phlantz took it from him and looked inside.

"Very well," Phlantz said. "Give me just one moment, and I'll get it for you."

He started to walk toward the bedroom. Lee knew they had to stop him fast, before he could hand over his project.

"Wait!" Lee, Amanda, and Timur all said at the same time.

They all stopped and looked at each other. Phlantz just looked confused.

Lee cleared his throat and said, "I was just going to say that I'd like to hear about this project that you completed for Timur. It might be something that the Institute would also find interesting." He was stalling for time.

Phlantz looked thoughtful and said, "Well, perhaps—"

Timur interrupted. "I doubt whether the Institute would be interested in such a project, and in any case, it is a private matter. I pay for discretion as well as quality of work. Now, would you mind leaving the payment with me for a moment, Fenton? You will receive your money when I receive what I paid for."

"Oh, right," Phlantz said, handing the envelope back. "I'll just be a moment—"

"Wait, Mr. Phlantz!" Amanda said.

"Yes, Miss Keene?" Phlantz said, turning toward her.

"It looks like you have something stuck in your beard," Amanda said, taking a step toward him. "Let me help you."

Before anyone could stop her, she reached out and took hold of Phlantz's beard.

"Wait, no!" Phlantz said.

He tried to back away from her, but the beard came off in Amanda's hands. Lee gaped.

"What—?" Timur started to ask.

"Give that back!" Phlantz snapped, trying to snatch the beard from Amanda's hands.

"Oh! This isn't a real beard!" Amanda cried. "Are you alright? I didn't know! Oh, I'm so sorry! Are you sure you're alright? I could put it back on for you, if you just hold still! Oops!"

Amanda fussed and fumbled with the beard, even as Phlantz kept trying to take it away from her, and she ended up dropping it on the floor. Phlantz scooped it up and tried unsuccessfully to put it back on his face the way it was. It ended up slightly crooked.

"What is this?" Timur finally demanded. "Why are you wearing a disguise? Are you really Fenton Phlantz?"

Lee was wondering that himself. Like everyone else, Lee had never seen Phlantz or any pictures of him without his beard. Timur's goons tensed, readying themselves if there was going to be any action.

"Yes, I'm Fenton Phlantz!" Phlantz said. Calming himself slightly, he explained, "I sort of . . . burned my beard off by mistake. It was while I was testing the musical Christmas lights for the first time. "

"Maybe he isn't the real Fenton Phlantz," Lee said. "He could be an imposter, trying to get money from the Promethian Institute under false pretenses!"

Not that Lee really believed that. While someone might try to cheat the terrorists out of their money by pretending to be Phlantz with some crazy project, only the real Phlantz would have come up with something as crazy as those dangerous Christmas lights in the first place. Now that he thought about it, it was also in Phlantz's nature to hurt himself with them, too.

"No!" Phlantz insisted. "It's just, after all these years of having a beard, I was too embarrassed to show my face without it, so I just created a new one. Look, I even created a special, ever-lasting adhesive for it so that it always sticks firmly in place but yet can be removed painlessly. It's even hypoallergenic!"

That definitely sounded a lot like Phlantz to Lee. He creates an actually useful-sounding product like an ever-lasting, hypoallergenic adhesive, and he's still preoccupied with the challenge of fire-causing musical Christmas lights! How Amanda had known that Phlantz's beard was fake was a mystery, but he was still satisfied that it was indeed Phlantz they were talking to. Timur was apparently satisfied as well.

"Enough of this nonsense!" Timur snapped. "Just bring me the form—project."

Phlantz nodded and hurried from the room, leaving his five guests standing around, looking at each other awkwardly.

Amanda edged closer to Lee, taking him by the hand. Lee gave her hand a reassuring squeeze and was surprised when she pressed something into his palm. He couldn't look at it in front Timur and his goons, but the shape told him what it was. Now, Lee understood Amanda's antics with the beard. Their eyes met, and he smiled at Amanda.

"Let's sit down," Lee suggested, leading Amanda to the couch. He casually slipped his hand into his pocket.

As Lee sat down next to Amanda, Phlantz rushed back into the room.

"It's gone!" he cried.

"The formula?" Timur demanded.

Phlantz nodded. "It's gone! It was in my beard, and now it's gone!"

Lee was very aware of the little cylinder in his pocket. It was too bad that he couldn't think of a way to slip Phlantz the fake cylinder in his other pocket without Timur and his goons seeing it.

Phlantz went down on his hands and knees feeling around the floor, muttering, "And I was so proud of my device for securing small objects in facial hair! Maybe it fell out of the beard when it hit the floor."

"Or maybe I was right, and we have a spy on our hands," Timur said, looking suspiciously at Amanda.

Phlantz stopped his search and gave Amanda a speculative glance.

"I think maybe we should search her," Timur said.

"Hey! Nobody's going to lay a hand on her!" Lee snapped. "Is this how you treat your guests? You can forget about that grant!"

"You can forget that grant story," Timur said. "I don't believe that either of you are from the Promethian Institute, whatever that is. You two, find something to tie them up."

One of the goons grabbed Phlantz's bizarre string of Christmas lights, and the other grabbed Amanda and pulled her off the couch. Lee jumped to his feet and tried to pull Amanda away from him.

"AAAaaaaiieeee!" the other goon suddenly yelled.

The metal bits on the "light" string were kind of glowing and making a strange warbling. It was hard to tell whether it was "soothing" or not because the goon's screams partly covered it up. The goon holding the light string let go fast and ran to the kitchenette to run some cool water over his burnt palms. Lee took advantage of the distraction to deck the goon still holding Amanda. The man slumped to the ground, out cold.

Phlantz was kneeling on the floor near the electrical outlet. He pulled the plug on his string of lights just as they started to cause the carpet to smoke.

"What is the meaning of this?" Timur thundered. "Do you double-cross us?"

He reached into his jacket for a weapon, but Lee was faster.

Pulling his own gun, Lee said, "Hold it!"

Timur froze. Lee held his gun on Timur while he disarmed him. The goon with the burnt hands stayed at the kitchenette sink, moaning in pain.

"Amanda, call for some backup," Lee said.

"So, you're with the Agency?" Phlantz asked from his position on the floor.

"That's right," Lee said. There was no point in denying it now.

Phlantz nodded. "I thought you might be when Miss Keene reached for my beard."

"What do you mean?"

Phlantz sighed. "Women are never interested in my beard! I thought she figured out that it was fake. The first fake beard I wore was while I was working at the Agency, after I accidentally set fire to my workstation. It would make sense if someone there still remembered the incident."

Actually, Lee did remember the incident. Phlantz had been working on developing fire-proof shoes for walking on coals at the time. Why was anyone's guess, but that was the project he'd been working on right before the water gun. A number of his co-workers had been angry about the fire he'd caused when he'd put too many coals in the make-shift fire pit he'd built at his workstation and added lighter fluid, not to mention what the sprinkler system had done to their projects when it went off. The shoes had been the only project that wasn't ruined because it turned out that they were water-proof, too, but no one had been in a mood to be impressed by that. Lee hadn't known that Phlantz had created a fake beard because of it, and he doubted that Amanda did, either. He filed the information in the back of his mind for later.

Putting that aside for now, Lee said, "Thanks for helping us. But, I have to admit that I'm wondering why you did help. I would have thought that you'd be on their side."

"I am on the side of science! The creative spirit! The inquiring mind!" Phlantz declared boldly. "Besides, I didn't want to see a lady get hurt."

Phlantz's priorities might be a little screwy, Lee thought, but it was nice to see that he had something right.

"They're on the way," Amanda said, hanging up the phone. "I'd like to thank you, too, Mr. Phlantz."

"It was nothing," Phlantz said, gathering up his light string. "I was hoping to demonstrate my lights for someone anyway."

"I don't understand why you'd want to help these people destroy our country's peanut crops, though."

"It was a challenge to make what they wanted me to make," Phlantz said. "Besides, I'm allergic to peanuts. I hate it when they're the only snack airlines offer, and I often have to travel in my line of work."

Even Timur rolled his eyes at that comment.

"I suppose this means that I'm under arrest, too," Phlantz said, slumping forlornly into a chair.

Amanda looked at Lee, and he could see that she was feeling sorry for Phlantz.

"It's not up to me," Lee said, "but I think that things might go better for you if you cooperate with the Agency and share your research with them. I can't make you any promises, though. You've been working for the wrong kind of people since you left the Agency."

Phlantz sighed. "I couldn't help it! They were the only ones who would pay me to work on the interesting projects! I wouldn't have left the Agency if they had let me work on things that were more exciting than miniature microphones and cameras."

"Miniature microphones sound fascinating to me," Amanda said. "How small can you make them?"

"Oh, very small," Phlantz said. "The smallest one I ever made was about half the size of a dime. I could have made it smaller, only the little clip on the side would have been too difficult to attach."

Phlantz suddenly looked thoughtful. "You know, if I used a different kind of clip . . ."

"There! You see!" Amanda said. "There's room for improvement in your past designs. And that beard you created was very good, with its special adhesive and the fact that you can hide things in it. I bet that the Agency would be willing to help you out if you could share your expertise with them again."

Lee wasn't sure that like where this conversation was going.

"Maybe," Phlantz said. He rubbed his bare chin thoughtfully, considering the possibilities.

"And maybe you could work on your other projects a little on the side," Amanda said. "You can always work on things even if you don't have a client to buy them, right? Just as experiments?"

"Oh, no!" Lee thought. Amanda's helpful nature strikes again!

"I suppose so," Phlantz said thoughtfully. "You know, I had an idea recently for a new kind of roller skates, powered by rockets. I've never found anyone before who would pay me to develop it. But, I suppose, in my spare time . . ."

"Rocket powered roller skates?" Amanda asked weakly.

Phlantz smiled enthusiastically. "Oh, yes! Naturally, I'll need to develop a new kind of rubber that doesn't melt so easily for the wheels—"

"On second thought," Amanda said, "maybe you should just stick to microphones."

Phlantz was still sitting there with a dreamy expression, and Lee doubted that he even heard her.


	6. The Elephant in the Room

**Chapter 6: The Elephant in the Room**

An elephant is hard to hide,  
I know it's so, because I've tried,  
my family should detect mine soon . . .  
I brought it home this afternoon.

\- Jack Prelutsky

Two days later, Amanda was taking clothes off the clothesline when Lee turned up in her garden.

"Hi!" he called softly from the gazebo.

"Hi, skulker!" Amanda said teasingly, dropping the last shirt into the laundry basket.

"Are your mother and the kids around?" he asked, glancing at the kitchen window.

"Nope!" Amanda said, hurrying over to give Lee a hug and kiss. "They just left to go to the movies. I stayed to do some chores. Come inside, while I take the laundry upstairs."

As Lee followed her into the house, he made sure to lock the back door behind them. Amanda noticed, but she just smiled at him.

Lee said, "I wanted to tell you that Phlantz has agreed to come back and work for the Agency again."

"Really?" Amanda asked. "I'm glad because he really seemed like a nice man, even if he is pretty strange. Do you think the Agency will be able to keep him under control?"

"Well, according to Billy, Dr. Symth has decided that having Phlantz work at the Agency is still safer than letting him roam around loose. Some of his old friends in R&amp;D even said that they kind of missed him, although they've all insisted on extra fire extinguishers for their workstations."

"Maybe it was a mistake for me to encourage him. Do you think that he might really make those rocket-powered roller skates in his spare time?"

"Hopefully not. Dr. Smyth gave orders for R&amp;D to keep him as busy as possible so he won't have much free time. He told them to give Phlantz their strangest, most bizarre projects to keep him happy. They're very interested in his special beard and think it has great potential for Agency disguises."

"It was pretty neat, wasn't it?" Amanda said. "Although, to tell the truth, I think Mr. Phlantz looks much better without it."

Lee thought so, too. He only hoped he'd never have to wear one like it as a disguise.

He said, "I heard that his next project is a one-way coffee cup."

"One-way coffee cup?"

"You know how one-way mirrors work? It's like that, only it's a coffee cup."

"What's it for?"

"It's so you can watch people unobtrusively while pretending to drink a cup of coffee."

"Huh. You know, before meeting Mr. Phlantz, I didn't know the Agency ever made devices like that. I always thought they were the stuff of movies and comic books."

"R&amp;D makes them sometimes, especially when some of the personnel get a little bored and feel like being creative, but mostly, that kind of stuff isn't taken seriously and never gets much funding. Personally, I don't like to use weird doohickeys like that. Not a lot of field operatives do."

"Why not?"

"They hardly ever work right, and they can cause more problems than they solve."

"That sounds like the kind of stuff Phlantz likes to make."

Lee chuckled. "Yeah. Most of the R&amp;D people like to focus on the more useful things that operatives actually use. But, if Phlantz likes the oddball stuff, they'll let him have it to keep him out of trouble. At least, it saves us the bother of worrying what he might be up to next."

"I have to admit that I was pretty worried about his rocket-powered roller skate idea."

"Why? You think terrorists are going to want him to make them rocket-powered roller skates?"

"No, I'm afraid that Philip and Jamie will want them."

"A reasonable fear," Lee said gravely. "Let me give you a hand with that."

Lee took the laundry basket from Amanda's hands as they reached the stairs.

"Thank you," Amanda said. "I usually do the sorting up in my room."

"Why, Amanda King, I was wondering when you were going to invite me into your bedroom," Lee said, making eyes at her.

"You've already been in my room once," Amanda said, starting up the stairs. "Remember? You snuck in the window in the middle of the night."

Lee followed her upstairs, hefting the laundry basket.

"Yes, but that was different. That was business."

"So is this. There's laundry to fold. You really want to help me with that?"

"Among other things," Lee said, giving her a quick peck on the lips when he reached the top of the stairs.

"Careful," Amanda said teasingly. "I have plenty of other chores around here that need to be done. Are you volunteering?"

Lee didn't have a chance to reply. They heard the sound of the front door, followed by voices downstairs.

"Hide!" Amanda hissed, shoving Lee into her room and shutting the door.

For a moment, Lee stood there, still holding the laundry basket. Then, he set the basket down and cracked the door open slightly to listen.

Amanda had gone to the stairs to talk to her mother.

"You guys weren't gone very long. Is everything alright?" Amanda asked.

"Everything's fine, darling!" Dotty called from downstairs. "I just forgot my purse. We were about halfway to the theater, and I suddenly realized that I didn't have any money or even my driver's license!"

The thought of Dotty driving still bothered Lee.

"I don't see it on the kitchen counter!" Dotty called again. "Amanda, could you check my room?"

"Grandma, hurry!" Philip said. "We'll miss the beginning of the movie!"

"I think I saw it on coffee table, Mother!" Amanda said.

"I've got it!" Jamie said.

"Oh, good! Bring it over here!" Dotty called again. She sounded like she was close to the stairs. "By the way, Amanda, there's that silver sports car parked down the street again. Do you know who it belongs to?"

"No, Mother!"

Inside Amanda's room, Lee grinned.

"Grandma, hurry up!"

"Alright! We're going now darling! You sure you don't want to come?"

Lee walked away from the door as Amanda told her family that she was sure she didn't want to see the movie. Philip was still trying to hustle his grandmother out the door so they wouldn't be late.

"Bye, darling! Have fun! I mean, I hope you get a lot done here!" Dotty called right before the front door closed.

Lee sat down on Amanda's bed.

He strongly suspected that his afternoon with Amanda would consist more of helping her around the house than making out with her in her room, but actually, that was okay. If she didn't get those chores done before her family got home, Dotty would be suspicious about what Amanda was doing. If he helped her, she'd get done faster, and they'd still have some time together. And there would be other times. Maybe later at his place . . .

Amanda came into the room.

"They're gone," she said.

"Alone at last!" Lee said.

"Do you think Mother suspects?" Amanda asked.

"Does it matter right now if she does?"

Amanda considered. "As long as she and the boys stay at the movies, no."

"Then, I might as well help you sort your laundry. Do you still have that shirt that says, 'Hot Mama'?"

"Not since the boys got old enough to realize the connotations and start gagging when they saw it."

"Aw, too bad," Lee said sadly. "Hey, maybe for your next birthday, I could get you a shirt that says 'Hot Mama' in code so the boys won't be able to read it and get embarrassed."

"Fold!" Amanda said, throwing a pair of boys' jeans him.

Lee caught the jeans and grinned. Even though Amanda didn't want to dignify his suggestion with a response, the slight blush on her cheeks was good enough for him.

Maybe Dotty had her suspicions about the owner of the 'Vette and what Amanda was going to do while they were at the movies and maybe she didn't. But, for now, she wasn't going to interfere, so it was okay.

And, somewhere in that laundry basket, there was bound to be something of Amanda's with her size marked on it. She definitely wouldn't be getting rocket-powered roller skates for her birthday.

THE END

* * *

**Author's Note:** The name Fenton Phlantz comes from another poem by Jack Prelutsky (also in Something Big Has Been Here) that I first read as a kid and still regularly gets stuck in my head. It just made such a good match for this story I couldn't resist:

**Fenton Phlantz By Jack Prelutsky**

Fenton Phlantz is fairly weird,  
he puts peanuts in his beard,  
elephants are often found  
following Fenton Phlantz around.


End file.
